4. The Heart Developed
Over and over the O.T. records the journeys of people by stages; e.g. the Children of Israel in the wilderness and Abraham to name a couple. I’ve identified stages in my own growth that I think are common in the journey. Now the boundaries of these stages are not static. As I said the heart is complex and there are many desires that must be discovered and conquered. The first stage I want to classify though is seeking God’s hand without seeking His heart. As I said I grew up in a Christian home. I never pictured or thought I desired a life apart from the Lord. As a teenager I thought your walk with the Lord was measured by how well you knew the Bible and by being a “good girl.” Even though I knew the Bible pretty well, I really didn’t have a proper concept of the relationship I had with Christ other than the relationship of trusting Him for salvation. I vividly remember the first time I was aware of the Holy Spirit giving me specific and personal understanding of a Bible passage when I was a senior in high school. And in response to that I was determined to pursue a degree in vocal music education. That was until my determination was upstaged by my desire for a relationship. In my mind, like Sarah, I had God’s plan all worked out. I still remember how I specifically didn’t ask God if I were making the right decision because I was afraid He would say no. As I look back, it was my pride that kept me from acknowledging the red flags. Yes, it was rebellion, but God in His mercy knew the rebellion was from immaturity. Proverbs 22:15 says, “Foolishness is tangled up in the heart of a youth; the rod of discipline will drive it away from him.” I was that child whose Father had to cleanse foolishness from the heart with the rod of correction. I didn’t have an accurate understanding of the Father I know now. And this knowledge of Him has only come to me as my life has unfolded and I’ve seen the loving hand of my Father, even in correction. All of us are like children with foolishness in our hearts that God lovingly disciplines—with a rod if He has to—for the purpose of correcting us, of maturing us, of purifying our hearts.
Do you know what it really means to be mature? That was a word people used to describe me as I was growing up so I thought I must be mature. Well, there’s a difference in being mature for your age, and being mature. According to Hebrews 5:14 maturity is having your senses trained by experience to distinguish between good and evil. You have to agree that definition sheds a whole new light on the issue of maturity. That’s why there are varying levels of maturity. So, since I was not mature in my faith, God set me on a course to teach me how to distinguish good from evil.
One step at a time, I sought the Lord for counsel and obeyed what He said the best way I knew how trusting Him to supply the strength. And He did. It was painful, but it was peaceful. There is nothing that brings peace—that peace that passes all understanding, that peace in the midst of the storm—like being a “Mary” who sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to His voice. You can’t go wrong if you’re following the Master. And if you set your heart to seek the Lord, He brings about experiences that mature you, that train your senses to distinguish between good and evil. And I want to say here, singles, that’s why many people make the same mistakes over and over again in marriage. They don’t really learn to distinguish between good and evil. They’re still operating from their own desire and perception which didn’t change with a new found freedom or a new spouse. If you really want to be successful in relationships, you must set your heart on finding God’s heart first. And when you follow His leadership, all will be well. (ref. Matthew 6:33)
It was the difficult experiences of life that taught me to consciously seek God’s heart, not just His hand. But even in that stage I wasn’t yet settled. Now I was asking according to God’s desire, but I still had things to learn—like obedience. It was a period of suffering as I put selfish desire to death. And I have to say, it was probably the most difficult period of my life. I experienced so many things that quite honestly are still too painful to relate. And really, all you need to know is that God was faithful to me. I set my heart to find Him in all the circumstances of my life—to understand what He was about in my life. And His heart was set on bringing me into a full and satisfying relationship with Him.
It was in the beginning of this period of my life that God gave me a life’s verse (actually a whole chapter). I don’t know if you have a life verse, but I’ve found in this verse exactly what God is about in my life. It’s Isaiah 62:1. “For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, and for Jerusalem’s sake I will not keep quiet, until her righteousness goes forth like brightness, and her salvation like a torch that is burning.” Now when I first understood God was speaking to me in this verse, speaking about me, I thought He was about showing that I was right in some of the decisions I had made. But after I read this verse in the Amplified Bible (about four years later), I realized God was about much more than showing me to be right. He was actually about making me right—making me righteous to the point that my righteousness would shine forth like a torch that is burning. What was an interesting discovery to me was to years later discover that my name “Cynthia Dianne” actually means reflector of light. God doesn’t miss a thing, does He? And have you got the picture that with each step of obedience your understanding of what the Lord is doing increases? You can’t be in a hurry on this journey of being conformed to the image of Christ. God slowly and methodically works His plan in your life—His plan for bringing you into conformity with the image of Christ. This gives me patience not only in my own life, but the lives of my children.
Don’t expect desires to die quickly. They die a slow agonizing death. At least, that’s been my experience. You see, I came to the place that I sincerely desired to listen to God and follow His instruction. I wanted to be right and pure in my relationship with Him, but I still had other desires that I just hoped lined up with His. And sometimes I tried to make them line up with His in my own mind. I had my Bible promises, but I was still like Sarah—trying to work it out on my own, but this time I was careful to entrust my desires to the Lord. And because of the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart and my perseverance in the Word, God protected me from my own desires choking the Word and making it unfruitful. You see, my heart was set on seeking His kingdom over my life.
In the process God showed me other things that needed correcting like when I realized that I had never told the Lord that I loved Him—which meant I didn’t love Him as I should; like the necessity of integrity guiding what I allowed my eyes to see even in the privacy of my own home (read Psalm 101: 2-3; it put an end to watching soap operas for me); like my pride in regards to the behavior of my children—that of being more concerned with how I looked to others than with where their choices would lead them; like the inability to ask in faith without doubting because of double-mindedness—the cause of which I found to be an impure heart (James 1:6-7; 4:8). Like not being able to say to Christ “And I desire nothing on earth but You.” (Psalm 73:25b) I have found that the suffering we do through the hard times is not in itself what conforms us to the image of Christ, but it’s what reveals the impurities we need to be cleansed of. The suffering of dying to ourselves, of ridding ourselves of “all moral filth and evil excess” (James 1:21) is what sharing the sufferings of Christ is all about.
I remember feeling as a Kindergartener that God needed me for something—something specific. I remember my desire as a child to grow up and devote my life to working at church. I remember as a sophomore in high school my surrender to God’s call for special service in the field of music. I remember the many promises God made to me when I began my journey of cooperating with Him so I could share His heart. And in all these memories I now see how the Lord was guiding my heart in the past. My heart belongs to Him now and I trust Him to move it according to what pleases Him in the future. Regardless of what the future holds, God has already proved Himself faithful to His Word. And I am quite sure I will continue to be amazed as I see God’s promises to me fulfilled in ways I can not anticipate or even imagine. I am called to be is a reflector of His light. My life is the platform for fulfilling that call, and my ministry is the assignment He has given me.
And that brings me to the next stage of growth; one where faith is matured as we begin to trust God. I mean really trust God for every decision, for every step, for every breath, in every circumstance and situation. And that trust ultimately leads to the stage of total abandonment to the will and heart of God.